Tuesday, 30 September 2008

The birth of a marketer (video)

A lovely tale of caveat emptor.....

Lost? Try asking for directions in Gaelic... (no thanks)

COUNCILLORS in Inverness are set to challenge Highland Council's policy on Gaelic and bilingual roadsigns.

Caithness councillors have already claimed the policy should not apply in their area, because it has no Gaelic heritage, while some councillors in Inverness object to bilingual street signs in the Highland Capital.
Opposition to the policy is being organised by Caithness councillor John Rosie, who said: "Gaelic is not part of the Caithness heritage. Our area is more Viking than Gaelic."
It is understood Councillor Rosie is pressing for Caithness to be excluded from the implementation of the policy and while Gaelic should be visible on welcome signs outside the main towns such as Thurso and Wick, the signage should go no further.
Yes, putting up bilingual signs is complete and utter SNP wank. I don't doubt the existence of the Gàidhealtachd but I think it's importance in politics is overstated. Are these extra signs (that's the new signs in areas with less than 6% of the population speaking Gaelic) necessary or even desirable? Are these extra signs a waste of time and money? In some areas around Inverness there are more Polish speaking residents than Gaelic speakers .... so why not Polish signage?
Yeah.... SNP political wank.

One hell of a walk for an old lady.

TO THE astonishment of a search and rescue team which, assisted by two RAF helicopters, had spent half a day combing a Perthshire mountain for a 73-year-old hill walker, the woman found her own way down yesterday morning and walked into a health centre fit and well.
The Ayrshire woman had scaled Schiehallion with her son to fulfil her husband’s dying wish of having his ashes scattered on the 3500ft mountain near Kinloch Rannoch.
They became separated on the return trip and rescue specialists from Tayside Police and RAF Leuchars and Lossiemouth launched a search, which lasted from Sunday afternoon until the early hours of yesterday when bad weather forced efforts to be abandoned.
Not long after the search had resumed, the woman—who had set out without a map, compass or torch—walked into a doctor’s surgery in Kinloch Rannoch where she was found to be suffering no ill effects.
Team leader with Tayside Police search and rescue unit, Sergeant Colin MacDougall, emphasised last night how lucky the woman had been, and used the incident as a “timely reminder” to hill walkers.
He said, “Thankfully this has not been a tragic outcome and remarkably the woman is none the worse for her experience.
“However, it still demonstrates the utter complacency with which people often take to the Scottish hills.

I live about 45 miles from Schiehallion and on a good day you can make out it's peak. I've never climbed up it (although I've driven about the base). I've also been to the Doctor's surgery in Kinloch Rannoch (I used to deliver oxygen there) and I think that this 73 year old has had one hell of a journey to get from point A to point B.

My tips to any old deary trying to fulfill their dead partner's wishes are:
  1. Save it for a nice sunny day.
  2. Get a younger relative to do it for you.
  3. Meet them somewhere in the middle e.g. He wants ashes scattered at sea... dump em' in a river and the water flow will do the work for you.
  4. He's not worth it and it was probably the morphine talking.

Monday, 29 September 2008

This is for you.... [insert dead relative's name here]

Evil bad naughty boy O'Leary

Alright, I'm cynical and sometimes that can be misconstrued but when do I cross over into the "heartless" category?

Oh, I know; when reality show contestants start gushing out the heartbreak stories of dearly departed relatives. I am not an avid watcher of X-Factor/Pop Idol/Big Brother (in fact I've completely missed them all this year) and here's why:

I wish my mum was still alive to see me now

I promised my granddad I'd enter the competition, he made me audition but he passed away before the show began.

Yeah.... I know the stories are TRUE, I am not doubting the facts.... it's the sentiment. Everybody loses loved ones BUT that's got bollock-all to do with why we should vote for you in a kareoke contest.... or does it? This always strikes me as a shameful ploy of using personal tragedy to further your career. It has been going on for centuries because we all love a hero who has had to drag themselves up from the mud. We want champions who have had to defeat all manner of foes on their road to success. Apparently, just turning up and singing a good song will never be enough. Well I just think this I would never voice my opinion in a public forum....... oh shiiiiiiit

DERMOT O'LEARY (who may feel the same way as me) has fallen foul of expressing similar views about a certain X-Factor contestant.

X FACTOR hopeful Amy Connolly last night branded show host Dermot O'Leary a "two-faced fake".
The teenager was furious he mocked "sob stories" - after consoling her when the memory of her late Scots mum reduced her to tears during the auditions.
O'Leary, who presented The X Factor for the first time last year, made his attack on ITV2 quiz show Celebrity Juice.
He declared: "It's past 9 o'clock, I can say what I f***ing want. So, I don't care what your dream is. I don't care what you want to sing. And I don't care about your dead relative."
Now 18-year-old Amy, whose Fife-born mum Rosemarie died of cancer when she was just seven, has hit back.
Amy, whose half-brother David was also killed in a car crash just months after she lost her mum, insisted it had never been her intention to gain sympathy votes by telling her family's tragic story.
Amy will be doing everything she can to try to make it two in a row for Scotland after the win for Leon Jackson, from Whitburn, West Lothian, last year.

Geek fight!!!!!

Maybe I miss my school days when the boredom of a lunch break could be shattered by a clarion call of, "FIGHT!!!". Most (if not all) of the school would rush over to try and get a view of a scuffle that could barely be classed as a mild stramash. I've never seen a good school yard fight BUT maybe that’s because there were rarely nerds involved. I would like to believe that if a nerd goes into battle then they do it with all their gusto... and what better arena than the internet?

Here is an excerpt from a recent fight about... about... um.... white line painting on a road... (sigh, this is obviously how modern wars will begin)

NOTE: Names have been changed, glorious syntax preserved.

Shane: The white zone is for FAILing only. There is no FAILing in a red zone.
Cheeze:The red zone is for immediate FAILing only. There is no FAILing in a white zone.
Looser: Dammit Betty, don’t start in with your white zone shit again.
Looser: Reference fail! (try google, Airplane, Script)
Gaycat: Reference fail on your end too. (Try Google, Blue Zone, Tiberium Wars)
Looser: And since when does C&C have anything to do with roads? Double reference fail. Up for 3? Bring your cup!
Gaycat: There are plenty of roads in C&C. Just look at any of the maps.
Looser: Answer fail. I asked you want C&C had to do with roads, I didnt ask if there were roads in C&C. Again you fail to understand the concept of “CONTEXT”. Engrish fail. Stay in school.
Gaycat: Hey, I’m just playing off the whole “zones” thing here.
Looser: http://www.awesomefilm.com/script/airplane.txt Read the lines that say voicelady and voiceman. It will all become clear. It is an older movie but classic none the less.
SillyWhiteBitch: Funny, you don’t look Blueish….
Gaycat:That’s right. I’m red and black, and I fight for Nod.
Looser: OMG you are killing me here. Again you missed it. Its a spaceballs reference. Stop while you are behind. Catchup fail.
Gaycat:Well, I’ve never seen Spaceballs. CRITICISM FAIL.
SillyWhiteBitch: Although, when it comes down to it, I’m not sure what’s wrong with responding to a reference with a reference to something else. It just adds to the general winnage.
Looser: Its perfectly acceptable, the only contingency is that you must let the first reference run its course before the introduction of another, otherwise you end up on a Tolstoy-like montage of references which in the end just aren’t funny at all. So it becomes reference fail instead of endless reference win.

Sunday, 28 September 2008

PIRATES!!! It's Pastafarian's who I blame.

NAIROBI, Kenya —Pirates in a hijacked ship carrying more than 30 battle tanks were anchored off the coast of Somalia near a notorious pirate den on Saturday, and they vowed not to release the ship until a $35 million ransom was paid, Somali and Kenyan officials said.
According to Mohamed Osman Aden, a Somali diplomat in Kenya, the hijacked ship, a Ukrainian-owned vessel, was headed on Saturday afternoon to Xarardheere, on the barren Somali coast. Xarardheere is an isolated fishing village that has thrived on organized crime and has frequently been used as a pirate hide-out and a place to keep seized ships.
Mr. Mohamed said that while the cargo in this case was extremely unusual — 33 Soviet-designed T-72 tanks and a large supply of ammunition and grenade launchers, all intended for the Kenyan military — the tactics were pretty typical.
These guys just want the money,” he said.

It's time to stand up to these Flying Spaghetti Monster fundamentalists. I call for a WAR ON PASTAFARIANS. Although on the plus side: this means if pirates are on the increase then global warming has reached it's peak.

Kate Moss is more than a 1 trick pony.

A self portrait drawn in lipstick by supermodel Kate Moss has been sold for £33,600 in London.
The model, from Croydon, south London, made the work while she was in a relationship with Babyshambles singer Pete Doherty.
Doherty's blood stains are on the canvas, on which he has written: "Who needs blood when you've got lipstick?"
Doherty originally owned the portrait, but sold it to an anonymous seller who then placed it in Saturday's auction.
A self-portrait by Doherty, signed in blood, was also put up for sale in the auction but a buyer could not be found.

Wow, I actually like this (shock). Don't get me wrong, the picture does have some seriously disturbing weirdness in it. For example; her head looks like its on the end of a spiked pole (Lord of the Flies style) and then the fact Pete Doherty was involved... Pete's like a random force of nature so I'm surprised the picture survived at all.
So, strangely, I don't care for Kate as a model but I like her art.

Saturday, 27 September 2008

Video: Former New Zealand Herald cartoonist showcases anti-Zionist work (that cost him his job)

This short 10min film about Malcolm Evans, the former editorial cartoonist for the New Zealand Herald. During his six years at the paper, he was twice awarded the New Zealand Cartoonist of the Year.

But back in 2005, Evans was dismissed following complaints over several anti-Zionist cartoons, and his subsequent refusal to stop publishing cartoons on the Israel-Palestine conflict. The video showcases his art along with many of the cartoons about Zionism that the New Zealand Herald refused to publish.

Food for thought: Anti-Zionism does not equal antisemitism.

15 year old "psycho" get's a police caution

The student, who has not been named, attacked her maths teacher in front of staff and pupils at the Westwood Language College in Upper Norwood, south London.
She ran into the classroom and launched the assault - even drawing on her teacher's face with a marker pen.
The girl's mother had rung the school to warn staff earlier in the day that her unruly daughter was on her way in.
The teacher was hospitalised by the attack, but the ex-pupil only received a police caution.
A 15-year-old girl, who witnessed the incident, said: "She just went mental - the door flew open and she ran at the teacher. It was horrible - everyone was screaming.
"That girl is a complete psycho but she's really strong. She was on top of the teacher - no one could do anything."
Two male members of staff dragged the teen off the teacher as she punched her in the face and body, pulled her hair and drew on her face with a marker pen.
But when police were called the student - who had previously been transferred to another school for bad behaviour - was issued with just a caution after the incident last Friday.

So, that's just fantastic (another reason why I'm glad I didn't go into the teaching profession). I guess the police made sure the "psycho" girl was physically well, cautioned her, and then sent her on her way? THAT's what the police do.... if nobody complains (and honest folk in Britain are crap at complaining to the police). I urge the teacher involved to grow a spine and realise that the police are never going to bother unless you appoint a solicitor to sort out this mess. I bet you that the school will get more flak for this incident than the pupil ever will.

We paid for their hats!!!

Pedobear trap

What a waste of council tax.....

We paid for your hats
We paid for your hats
What a waste of council tax
We paid for your hats.

Not often that a football chant makes me laugh.

Friday, 26 September 2008

1st ever interactive game on You Tube

A Car's life... simple idea (just click on the annotation)

At 8 levels, it's just the right length to keep my interest. Plus it's one of the easiest games I've played in a long time... but kudos anyway!

Brazillian women find breaking up hard to do.

Thiago da Silva was a 25-year-old Brazilian soccer player who had spells with Brazilian club Fluminese, European clubs Porto and Dynamo Moscow, and was also a part of the 2008 Beijing Olympics soccer team that lost it’s semifinal match to Argentina. Silva, who was playing for Estacio de Sa Soccer Club, a second-division club in Brazil, had recently run into trouble with his girlfriend, Alyne Padula, whom he was trying to break up with. Unfortunately, she had other plans.
Before he passed away, da Silva was able to tell the police that he had fallen into a trap last Thursday evening, shortly after discussing the end of his relationship with his girlfriend, Alyne Padula.
The former Vasco player was overwhelmed by three people (including a member of the military police), all of whom are friends of the girl’s aunt.
He was handcuffed, beaten and tortured. When he tried to flee he was hit by three bullets.Both the former girlfriend and her aunt, Marcia Padula Viana, were arrested on Sunday as instigators of the crime, and accused of hiring the assassins to kill da Silva.

Thursday, 25 September 2008

Evil world of Garbage Pail kids.

During the height of the Garbage Pail Kids' popularity, Topps was sued by the makers of Cabbage Patch Kids, Coleco, for trademark infringement. As part of the out-of-court settlement, Topps agreed to modify the appearance of the Garbage Pail Kids to remove the resemblance between the characters. Production of the cards themselves continued; however, by 1988, sales had dwindled and a planned 16th series never saw production.

How come these cards look freakier the older I get? Naturally, like in many schools, they would be confiscated if you were seen trading them on school grounds. BUT they seemed to be trading cards for girls only in my school (we were more interested in football cards/stickers), so the only time I had a chance to see a lot of them was on one very windy day that some girl in my class dropped her stack of cards in the playground. Garbage Pail Kids everywhere....

Erm...... PG rated porno?

Technically all above board... borderline NSFW.

Deletionpedia down!!! Bob panics... suspends blog!!!

Oh no, with Deletionpedia down I have no reason to live.


I'm gonna troll You Tube. (Apparently there was a repository for deleted You Tube vids that went the way of the Do Do, Delutube)

Wednesday, 24 September 2008

We have all thought about doing this...

Shatterproof Sonata

I used to try to entertain my class with my shatterproof ruler musical skills. I never went to the lengths of this guy above though (Matt Cook playing ruler, piano presented at Cardiff School of Art on 24th April 2002.) I feel that Matt left out the most important part of playing a ruler... the ability to move it towards the desk to get that lovely comical Boi-yiiiiiing noise.

Fingerboarding demo... kinda cool(?)

I remember finger boards... don't remember anyone having a mini-skatepark to use them on. I watched the vid and thought yeah that's kinda cool but hey so were yo-yos and hula hoops (for about 5 minutes). It reminds me of the episode of the Simpsons when a group of yo-yo pros (and yo-yo salesmen) entertain the school, then every kid buys a yo-yo and proceeds to suck at it. As it should be with fads.

Evan Davis (Actor) also victim of Wikipedia?

Sometimes the reasons for a deleted page are a good read:

*I have done my best to make Evan Davis(actor) more of a biography instead of a resume. I have also changed one of the links. Hope this helps. I do not believe Evan Davis (actor) deserves to be deleted. He has more than enough facts to prove his existence and merit in the entertainment industry. I am not a sock puppet, I am trying to help out an acting friend that I know. I am not the same person and will give out my name if needed. Wikipedia asked the original author to re-edit the article, then he was unable to do so. I was not aware of a rule that forbids authors knowing each other. Thank you GoldenMonkey78 (talk) 11:56, 20 August 2008 (UTC)
*Delete per lack of notability and the fact that it is essentially an autobiography co-written with meat puppets. There are serious conflicts of interest in this and related articles. -- Scjessey (talk) 12:06, 20 August 2008 (UTC)

Meat puppet? I like that.

Here have an old Vid I just stumbled over.

I was annoyed at FACEBLOKE not embeding... so I snorted moo juice out my nose when I watched this and thought.... "Meh, old but I'll post it. "

Baby I was born that far away so,
I speak English as a se-cond language,
I don't understand the words I say,
There's no word that rymes with language,
Lucky that I have a smoken' body,
Cause I only sing in jibberish,
Lucky that I am uh such a hottie,
Watch my hips go quiverish,

Good news for you, I'm double jointed, too

Whatever, Don't Matter,
I can sing about pancake batter,
I will shake my derier,
And you won't go nowhere,
Bend over, Come Under,
Come enjoy my thighs of thunder,
I'll just toss my hips and hair,
And you won't go nowhere,

Lucky, that my hips arn't only droopy,
When I shake them they move mountains,
Lucky that these breasts are proud and perky,
And my lips are full and poutin',

Bebabebabababa, Bebabebabababa,
Time to crawl into the mud,

Whatever, Don't Matter,
You wouldn't listen if I were fatter,
That I got a spicy rear,
So you won't go nowhere,
Peek under, turn over,
I make no sense if you are sober,
So I clash my hips and hair,
And you won't go nowhere.


mmm....... muffin..... wriggling about in my... hand? Christ on a bike!?
Oh, maybe a nice glass of milk... (hope it's not Chinese)... , what the!?
Nevermind... can't go wrong with a croissant.... Le bowff!

Thank you, to the OCD scaremongerers at Unilever; making sure that you dissinfect rinse and dry your hands after touching anything. Germs, germs, germs they're everywhere!!!! I wonder if Howard Hughes saw life like this?

Tuesday, 23 September 2008

Bob Ross... he could teach me a thing or two.

Okay it's 4mins long... and you know where it's going....

BUT it made me laugh!

Hot Bloggers (well getting a little cold now)

I just can't keep away from Deletionpedia... so here's another piece of WebTrash.


Yep, that's the link if you feel brave enough to click... be my guest. It's just a site for posting pics of female "bloggers" and it looks like it's not been updated since early 2007. Why? I mean, if there are (real) females on the interweb then they better be good looking or that would just shatter my dreams. Obviously, since early 2007 all girls who have not been beaten by the ugly stick have left the Internet and are playing Wii or Nintendo DS OR this website was just a shallow piece of junk that ended when the owner got himself a girlfriend (or incarcerated)?

UPDATE: apparently the pic is Leah Dizon (No, I never heard of her)... she moved to Japan in 2006 and now is semi-famous... blah,blah. I don't believe she blogs anymore though.... ha!

And now... something for the fellas....

Well, looks like the lads of Japan have decided to make their own sophisticated relationship/dating game for the iphone. I use the terms: sophisticated, relationship, dating and game loosely.

Warning NSFW... and if you do watch, please don't ask for 2mins of your life back.

Well I think we can all agree... people need to talk to each other more in Japan. You know the phone part of the iPhone.

Sisters are doin it for themselves

Webkare (Web Boyfriend in Japanese), a mix between a social network and dating simulation site. Geared exclusively towards girls, the site attracted over 10,000 members just 5 days after its release on September 10, racking up 3.5 million page views in the same time frame.
The site is a huge hit over here. Girls sign up and become members of a social network but also users of a dating simulation in cartoon style. They have to try to hook up with one of four male Anime characters (who are the "stars" of the site) through "conversations" and must collaborate with other Webkare members in order to move on in the game. Eventually they conquer the heart of the chosen cartoon boy.
It's pretty weird but clever. Dating simulations have been popular in Japan for quite a while now, but Webkare marks the first time the concept has been brought online and combined with social networking functionality.
Girls choose between one of four different male cartoon characters they want to hook up with upon registration. They can then "communicate" with their digital crush in cartoon-like sequences to try to win over his heart over the course of the game. It?s also possible to meet other boys later in the story, which uses a virtual high school as the main setting.

Finally they are teaching girls how to make the first move? THAT's NOT fair, I had to work damn hard to woo my first date... well basically I had to get drunk enough to pluck up the courage. Flowers, nights out and expensive gifts left me penniless in less than 6 months, and now they are training girls to do all that in a virtual world. Pfft.... I bet virtual guy doesn't have to stand out in the rain for a whole hour because virtual girl spent too long in the bathroom getting ready for the first date. (BTW I think I looked a bit like vitual boy Rvuuii in my youth)

Bob's Deletionpedia page of the day

Nick s (deleted 14 Mar 2008 at 20:05)

Nick S is an amazing person who will someday rule the world. By the way Nick S sponsores hard rock and Greenpeace. He is a metalhead and an environmental activist. He is an important person because he is amazing. New York Times

Bob salutes you Nick s. Although, I'm having trouble finding the article relating to you in the New York Times.
By the way, Deletionpedia is the repository for all (some or most?) of the deleted Wikipedia (English only) articles. So I'm hopeful that more top quality blog gold will find its way into Deletionpedia... then I can post it here. Sounds like a plan.

Sunday, 21 September 2008

More MSpaint madness

One for the BIOLOGY books.

Not sure how I missed this? But, hey, I'll post it just incase you missed it too.

So....Obama now has the gay vote?

Bob's continued fashion tips..

Yes, I must get my blog sorted out. Will I be political/cat/movie trailer (Nah... Cynical-C has that all wrapped up) or 6-7 crazy stories from around the world (Nope.. Nothing to do with Arbroath has dibs)... so what? Ah screw it, have some more fashion tips. WHAT NOT TO WEAR (if you feel there may be a chance of being arrested that day)
Yep.... true it was the police officer's fault YOU got caught.
Okay... all bets are off with this one; throw him in a cell and full body cavity search whilst we check the car's glove compartment and spare wheel well for traces of midgets.
Gotcha! We're wasting our time putting you on the 12-step so straight to the slammer with you then.
EVEN more suspicious considering this was July.
The fact he possibly was about to try and emulate his favourite episode of MILF hunter requires that this man gets a good beating or a hose down... or both.

Hope this helps you all out.... assuming anyone else owns these T-shirts (you know who you are... dirty sods!!) More bad dress sense here.

Saturday, 20 September 2008

Yay.... NEW hyperinflation dollar introduced

Click for larger HALIFAX COUNTY: North Carolina cops are searching for a guy who successfully passed a $200 bill bearing George W. Bush's portrait and a drawing of the White House complete with lawn signs reading "We like ice cream" and "USA deserves a tax cut." The phony Bush bill was presented to a cashier at a Food Lion in Roanoke Rapids on September 6 by an unidentified male who was seeking to pay for $150 in groceries. Remarkably, the cashier accepted the counterfeit note and gave the man $50 change. In a separate incident involving a different perp, Roanoke Rapids cops Tuesday arrested Michael Harris, 24, for attempting last month to pass an identical $200 Bush bill at a convenience store.

A lovely little story from Smoking Gun. Meh... soon they will be catching up with Zimbabwe. look out for the $10,000 bill due out this Fall.

Formal dress...

I was disturbed at work today by a woman in her 40s who was on her way to a wedding. BECAUSE this (see above picture..as modelled by Cindy Margolis) was her idea of formal dress. I'd like to think I did a fairly good job of maintaining eye to eye contact throughout. BUT I did mention to one of my co-workers that she had more mutton on display than a butcher's shop!
I then began to muse on the thoughts of what an awkward dance that might be if she picked some 12-15 year old nephew as a partner for some Dashing White Sergent or Strip the Willow... *I will think of this no more*
How much cleavage is too much cleavage?

Even a publicist can't say anything nice....

On Friday, it emerged that Heather is suing her former publicist for in excess of £250,000 for breach of confidence and libel following a string of damaging articles in which Ms Elyzabeth painted Miss Mills as a heartless fantasist obsessed with fame and money, who allegedly leaked damaging information about Sir Paul during their divorce battle to tarnish his reputation.
The case, being handled by leading barrister Jonathan Crystal, is expected to be heard in the High Court within the next couple of months and Heather is not shy about putting her head above the parapet once more to do battle against this latest 'injustice'.
'For a long time I have tried to maintain the moral high ground by staying silent and refusing to respond to everything that's been said about me,' Heather tells me.
'I didn't want my daughter Beatrice, when she is 12 or 13, to read something upsetting which has come from me. I wanted to protect her, even though all these falsehoods are hurtful and devastating to me.
'Staying quiet just wasn't working, so I've decided I can't allow it to go on, otherwise all these falsehoods will be repeated over and over again.
'I want to do good things with my life. It's very tempting, when you have been through what I have, to simply disappear, but people won't let me, and I need to move on with my work.'
S'ok you have my permission to disappear. Yes, please continue to do your charity work just don't blow your own trumpet so hard.
Oh, and sorry for posting a story from THE FAIL but I think it's worth a read because reporter Zoe Brennan seems like a real bitch; no doubt all nicey nicey with nods and smiles during the interview BUT then throwing poo at the whole thing afterwards (like a crazed zoo primate).

Tuesday, 16 September 2008

Military camouflage

Indonesian AMPG (Used by youth wing of Golkar Party): Christ on a bike it's like a trippy Hendrix video. I can't stare at this for too long for fear of convulsions. Perhaps this makes you sniper-proof?
Lybian AC (Africa Corps) :As sported by Col. Al-Quaddafi and his men. Okay, okay it's probably a little tamer than some of the crazy shit the colonel usually wears.

Bennin Airbourn: Dammit guys you're not even trying to hide now (unless maybe against the wall of a kindergarten?)

More pathetic attempts at camouflage here.

Perth centre's decline.... sinks to new low.

DRUG USERS in Perth have been warned they risk being caught up in a high-profile training exercise that was launched yesterday.
From this week, St John’s Shopping Centre will be used as a training venue for police “sniffer” dogs.
PC Ron Anderson, Tayside’s dog training instructor, said, “I am delighted that management at St John’s Shopping Centre have offered us the premises to train in.
“Of course, should our dog handlers come across anyone committing a criminal offence, they will deal with it as they would any other crime.”
Centre manager Siobhan McConnell said, “This is a proactive initiative that will reassure retailers and law-abiding visitors to St John’s Shopping Centre that we are committed to ensuring this is a safe and pleasant place to shop.

Pffft.... I could name 60 substance misusers in Perth just off the top of my head. Pretty pointless exercise as the police know who to look for regardless of whether their sniffer dogs catch a scent. Considering the amount of shooting up in the centre's toilets, that's been reported in the local press, it will be a struggle keeping the two dogs out of the lavs.
As for the "deal with it as they would any other crime" statement.... I despair. Fines (for scum that don't even work) and 3 month jail sentences (for scum that will manage to get a fix in jail anyway) will never change the situation.
More people have to stand up to this and start acting as a community again.

Sunday, 14 September 2008

THIRD islander caught flouting mainland laws.

"Lost" star Daniel Dae Kim pleaded no contest to DUI charges yesterday, making him the third cast member on the series to earn his drunk wings. The previous two, Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros, were systematically eliminated from the show after their DUI convictions.

That's the THIRD islander caught flouting mainland laws. I've visited a few islands off of the coast of Scotland and let us just say anything goes on an island: Crazy hairstyles, excentric artists, weird inventors and bizzar colour coded housing. Oh, and as for the law, there is no interest in stopping crime whatsoever (heck, the only cop I saw looked like he was high on LSD)

**More from this insane island below... click if you dare**

Saturday, 13 September 2008

Song of the South 2008.

The lovely talented B3ta crowd have injected some Zippidy Dodah into this years presidential bun fight.

Friday, 12 September 2008

Don't F**K with the Russians

Sergei Lavrov, the Russian foreign minister, reacted with fury when Mr Miliband and he spoke on the telephone. Mr Lavrov objected to being lectured by the British.
Such was the repeated use of the "F-word" according to one insider who has seen the transcript, it was difficult to draft a readable note of the conversation.
One unconfirmed report suggested that
Mr Lavrov said: "Who are you to f------ lecture me?"
He also asked Mr Miliband in equally blunt terms whether he knew anything of Russia's history.
One Whitehall insider said: "It was effing this and effing that. It was not what you would call diplomatic language. It was rather shocking."
The Foreign Secretary had been putting forward Britain and Europe's objections to the actions of Russia, which began when their tanks rolled into the breakaway region of South Ossetia last month. Mr Miliband has said that Europe should reassess its ties with Russia after its "aggressive" behaviour.
Mr Lavrov, who was promoted under Vladimir Putin, has developed a reputation as the fearsome face of Russia's new aggressive foreign policy. When he held the position as Russia's man at the United Nations in New York he developed a reputation as fierce critic of other nations.
It is not the first time Mr Miliband and his Russian counterpart have clashed. Last year, Mr Lavrov retaliated to the expulsion of Russian diplomats from London by closing British Council offices in Russia.
The Russians were ordered out of the country in the wake of the Russia's refusal to co-operate in the investigation into the murder of Alexander Litvinenko, who was poisoned in a London hotel in 2006.
Pfft.... I'm used to folk swearing at me on the phone. (No, it's not dirty £5 sex lines that I'm talking about!). Generally it's because someone isn't getting what they want and they haven't been blessed with the gentle art of persuasion.

You are a HOARDER.....

10. If someone asks a question about the Diana and Charles wedding, you delve through your newspaper towers for the answer.

9. You separate your clothes by when you bought them, starting with back-to-school ’86.

8. You refuse to throw away mail—even those credit card application letters—because you never know when you may need it. (Maybe you can write grocery lists on the back/scrap paper for kids doodles.)

7. You find a nasty moldy jar with a spider's nest in it. Even though you have more than enough containers you think, “I might want to make jam some day.”

6. When you upgrade your electronics, you put the old item in a “just in case I need it” pile—which still holds a Betamax player and a Grandstand Firefox game.

5. At the bookies/post office/pharmacy they never have any pens to fill out forms with because YOU took them with you the last time.

4. Your boss asks you to take some picture frames/motivational posters/blue tack sculptures/holiday memorabilia home, because your cluttered desk is hurting productivity—for the entire office.

3. Your not sure if you have a pet anymore.

2. Your car’s glove compartment holds a decade’s worth of grocery lists, fast food wrappers, and empty Tic Tac containers. There are 7 magic trees hanging from the rearview mirror and you are scared to put your hand under the seat. You have a lovely collection of dead wasps/flies/cockroaches on your dashboard and the seat makes a crunching crispy noise when you sit on it.

1. You’ve never done spring cleaning because there are no visible surfaces in your home and the dust cloud you would kick up would be treated as a toxic emission by your local environmental agency.

Never ask for help on the internet...

Quite funny..... one man asks for help on the internet.

Thursday, 11 September 2008

The mother of all, "JESUS CHRIST what's that in that tree?"

With Halloween being not too far away... this gives me wicked ideas (evil chortle)

What's the opposite of a DRY HOUSE?

PLANS TO create a drinking den for chronic alcoholics in Perth are set to be revisited by the council.
Councillors believe the regular flouting of the town centre’s alcohol ban is tarnishing the Fair City’s image and they are prepared to investigate a number of options to ensure it is blighted no more.
The concept of a so-called “wet house” was first given consideration by the council and its partners in the 1990s.
Such a venue would provide chronic alcoholics, who are not allowed to drink in their evening accommodation, with a place to congregate and drink instead of the town’s streets.

****** Sanctimonious mode on ******

I don't think it will see much use by the target clients because drinking and binge drinking is still viewed as acceptable in Scotland. If society still condones drinking and there are more and more bars/clubs/off licences in town... it's a loosing battle. Attitudes need to change.
I love the irony of "wet house" because I'm sure it will be wet with urine and vomitus and need to be hosed down regularly every morning.
****** Sanctimonious mode off *******

Where have I heard that before?

I was closing up the shop last night and two merry guys were making their way (in a zig-zag) down the street..... whilst singing. I thought to myself, "Hmmm that reminds me of something".

If Amy Winehouse can make a career out of that style of performance.... why not anyone?

For those who have never lived in the city centre, enjoy the video, this is what you are missing in the suburbs.

If I had a billion dollars...

Tuesday, 9 September 2008

Man denies (?) crashing van through police station.

THE TRIAL of a man accused of driving a van into Dunfermline police station got under way yesterday.
Scott Robertson (36), of Golfdrum Street, Dunfermline, denies culpably and recklessly driving a van across a pavement and car park, through a plate glass display window, across a corridor and into an internal wall, embedding the rear of the van into the wall and causing extensive damage at the station in Holyrood Place on May 1 last year.
The jury was shown CCTV footage of scenes inside the station around the time of the incident.
Depute fiscal Azrah Yousaf asked police witness Hilary McKinlay, “It might be suggested to you that reversing into a plate glass window was an accident. What would be your response?”
The officer responded that crossing an area that was “clearly marked no parking” then crossing “quite a wide pedestrian area” could not, in her opinion, be an accident.
Police Constable James Anderson told the court how he heard “the sound of a revving engine shortly followed by what seemed to be an explosion.”
He described seeing a transit van embedded in a glass corridor of the station.
Ms Yousaf asked if Robertson had said anything after the incident.
He was referring to numbers in relation to a code,” said Mr Anderson.
“A code in relation to the computer system at the police station.”
A "code" eh? So will this code open up the levels of Hell... or unravel the Matrix? Well we know he's barmy if he's denying doing it. This whole scenario seems like the start of a film... are they starting on national Treasure 3 already?

Happy Birthday Hannah (21 today)

Hannah and fiance Stevros.

Happy Hannah
Hannah the moon goddess on her way to a moot.
Hmmm these photos where taken about 4 years apart and yet they are sooooo similar.

Red Bull is VERY bad for you (my worst nightmare..)

CANBERRA (Reuters) - Just one can of the popular stimulant energy drink Red Bull can increase the risk of heart attack or stroke, even in young people, Australian medical researchers said on Friday.
The caffeine-loaded beverage, popular with university students and adrenaline sport fans to give them "wings", caused the blood to become sticky, a pre-cursor to cardiovascular problems such as stroke.
(Well, I don't have the energy of a student/adrenaline sport fan that's why I drink the crap)
"One hour after they drank Red Bull, (their blood systems) were no longer normal. They were abnormal like we would expect in a patient with cardiovascular disease," Scott Willoughby, lead researcher from the Cardiovascular Research Centre at the Royal Adelaide Hospital, told the Australian newspaper.
Red Bull is banned in Norway, Uruguay and Denmark (and France too.. I thought) because of health risks listed on its cans. Willoughby said Red Bull could be deadly when combined with stress or high blood pressure, impairing proper blood vessel function and possibly lifting the risk of blood clotting.
Well I certainly get stressed from time to time... so I'm boned! I also can't afford to drink Red Bull so I imbibe a cheap generic supermarket copy (which is probably twice as bad). Oh christ on a bike, I'm drinking one NOW!

Monday, 8 September 2008

Driving license FAIL!!!

A mother failed her driving test after splashing a man at a bus stop when she drove through a puddle, it was revealed today.
Michelle Kelly's examiner told her she should have stopped to exchange details because the
incident was technically a crash. Oh, for the love of gawd, It was closer to assault than a crash.
She was more than half way through her test when she went through the puddle and splashed a pedestrian in Blackley, Manchester.
Miss Kelly said: ‘I pulled in at the centre and the examiner said he’d failed me.
‘He then spoke at length about the splashing. I didn’t do it on purpose and didn’t really think that much of it at the time but he said it was a fault.
‘Apparently it constituted a traffic offence and he was treating it as a road accident.
‘He said I should have pulled over and exchanged details with the pedestrian.’
Well she could have driven ..... um, slowly through the puddle? She could have stopped to apologize? Oh why am I bothering...? This story is from the Daily Mail so of course it makes no sense.

Trekkies let their fingers do the talking...

An advert for the German Sci-fi channel (and yes, I'm not going to play up that stereotype of the Germans being unfunny).

Sunday, 7 September 2008

What did you call me?

A MARRIED shopkeeper who falsely accused his lover of racially abusing him after she came into his shop with a note saying she was pregnant, was yesterday jailed for three months.
Nazir Ahmed (30), Forfar Road, also told one of his shop assistants to back up the lie, resulting in the arrest and detention of the lover, Dundee Sheriff Court heard.

When Ahmed opened the envelope, the note inside informed him that she was pregnant.
Several hours later he called the police and they interviewed him the next day, after he had pressed his female employee into providing corroboration of his made-up story.
The police then went to the woman’s home and arrested her. She was kept in custody for 21 hours before appearing in court. She pleaded not guilty and was released on bail.

So ladies of Dundee you have fair warning, Nazir Ahmed (I wish I could find a picture of him.. so in my frustration I used a pic of Apu being salacious instead) will be out of jail in 3 months time... I leave the rest to you. What a nasty piece of work he is.

Civil servants ..... acting like children?

Every single government department will be affected, including the Home Office, the education and transport departments as well as the Department for Work and Pensions.
The Public and Commercial Service (PCS) union general secretary Mark Serwotka said that despite claiming to be on the side of hard-pressed families, the government nevertheless compounded the financial misery for hundreds of thousands of hard working people by pursuing an "unjust pay policy".
He said: "Our members have grown increasingly frustrated by the government peddling the myth that they are the causes of inflation when they see their food, fuel and housing costs soar.
"Faced with pay cuts, pay freezes and increasing financial hardship, civil and public servants will not tolerate the government's approach to pay which is disproportionately hitting some of the lowest paid in the economy."
I think I'd struggle to find an example of a civil servant on MINIMUM WAGE (if such a thing exists). Oh, I want to cry because this country is falling to bits and now some of the best paid (and best supported by a decent pension/health care/holiday package) workers are refusing to DO THEIR JOB! Obviously the main drivers behind this motion to strike will be the overpaid middle management types who have nothing better to do than attend meetings, issue circulars and redraft policy. It's time to kick these civil servants up the ass and make them realise that they've got it easy compared to the rest of the populous on: MINIMUM WAGE with NO PENSION and NO HOLIDAY PAY. If they strike, sack them, there are plenty people who will be eager to take their job (and do it better).

Posting on Cynical-C is demeaning

The bastard(s) at Cynical-C has now included some kind of avatar above your posts. I can't quite figure out who is involved in this decision because I've spotted 4 people(members?) who have an avatar above their posts now. How/why/when? This is a vicious calculated move to separate the elite posters from the mundane everyday Joes (like you and me).

That gawddamnsonnavabitch Chris (above picture: notice the facist all black uniform) and a chosen few will now have their superior posts crowned by a glorious avatar. Where as, if I post, my shitty sub-par drivel will be stamped by a faceless drone image!? (I can't find out how you get an avatar...sob)


*Bob's boycott of Cynical-C begins..... with a pouty face* :(
That devilishly handsome demi-gawd of a man Chris has shown the minions how to make that avatar appear.
*Bob's boycott of Cynical-C ends.... with a happy face* :)

Saturday, 6 September 2008

Leave it to the pros..

When you spit your dummy (pacifier) out... try not to get caught on camera.

Wednesday, 3 September 2008

Pray! OMFG (Palin just hit my radar)

"Pray for a pipeline Alaska!", "Pray for God's will to be done here".

I feel the icy cold chill of fear down my spine. If Whitehouse policy is going to influenced by prayer meetings and the hope of divine intervention rather than common sense.... then we all lose.

Tania Head

She had said that she was hurt on the 78th floor of the south tower and had been saved by a man who later died. Tania Head was voted off the board of the World Trade Center Survivors' Network, a charity set up to support survivors of the attack, after the group couldn't verify the details of her story. It is alleged that Head 'couldn't or wouldn't' verify her survivors account, and that she had changed parts of her account to different board members of the group. One of the network, Elia Zedeno, said: 'She's no longer part of our organization," adding that she did not know Head's whereabouts. 'This is a tremendous shock to all of us, not just as an organization, but as a friend.'
According to the New York Times, Head had claimed to have been rescued from the 78th floor of the World Trade Center's south tower by a firefighter and had said she was engaged to a man named Dave who perished in the north tower.The paper said it has been unable to verify any part of her story, including the company she worked for, her engagement or details of her rescue.
Well that was in 2007. I saw a trailer for the new documentary scheduled to run on Channel 4 and I'm interested in what they will be able to add to this deeply confusing story.

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

No more have-a-go heroes, anymore.

Crime has become so "nationalised and politicised" that the home secretary and the prime minister are held responsible for every assault, says the report.
"Maintaining lawfulness should be seen as part of the duty of every citizen," it says.
This attitude seems to be borne out by the response when people were asked if they would personally intervene and challenge a group of teenage vandals.

Six out of 10 people in Britain said they would be unlikely to step in, whereas in Germany six out of 10 people would intervene, says the report.
Most Britons, it says, believe
tackling anti-social behaviour is the job of the police, while in other countries it is seen as the role of parents, teachers and the community.

I hate misuse of statistics! How many Germans/English did they survey (article states "about 1000"), but what was the results for different ages/social background etc…. (the list goes on)? Even worse, is the possibility that the DAILY MAIL will take this story and run with it.
I’m waiting for… “Britons would rather stand by and witness a child raped by an illegal immigrant than do anything to stop it”…. I’ll update when the Mail runs the story.

........ 9.15pm....... no Mail interest in this story (I did find out that Ulrika Johnston is thinking about reducing her breast size). At the blog section PETER HITCHENS was bumping his gums about illeagal immigrants.

I feel defeated and dirty now (think I'll have a shower).

There will be tears.....

The series finale is said to be a tear-jerker, according to science adviser/consultant, Kevin Grazier.
“I don’t know anyone who hasn’t cried after reading the final episode script,” Grazier said.
I hope it's a mixture of tears of joy and sadness (35/65% v/v), and not the bitter tears of rage if they decide to arc into another spin-off!
Oh, apparently the actors are getting bored and pissed off at delays and wages.

Monday, 1 September 2008

Lions, and tigers, and bears, oh...... wait it's the Daily Mail!

An artist's impression.

The Police Service of Northern Ireland received a number of reports from concerned members of the public all of whom had spotted what they thought was a lion in Cavehill Park in the north of the city.

A police spokeswoman said officers now believed the animal in the park was in fact a large stray dog."Police can confirm that there's no stray lion wandering about in north Belfast," she said.

I'm getting sick of all these big cat sightings......

Ken Campbell dies age 66.

Obituary, by Michael Coveney, “one of the most original and unclassifiable talents in the British theatre of the past half-century. He was a writer, director and monologist, a genius at producing shows on a shoestring and honing the improvisational capabilities of the actors who were brave enough to work with him”.
On screen, Campbell’s credits included, on film, A Fish Called Wanda, Derek Jarman’s The Tempest, Creep and Saving Grace; and on television, In Sickness and in Health, Falwty Towers, Dooley Gardens, The Professionals, The Bill, Heartbeat, Fantasy Island, Minder, Bulman and Law and Order. He also presented Channel 4 TV shows on science and the paranormal.

Falcon bird!

Annoying when grown-ups just don't get it!

Sanctimonious FAIL

I was being a bit of a prude on Cynical-C yesterday and posted this:

Billy Connolly is real nasty piece of work… Most people have forgotten how he heartlessly joked about how he was bored with the fact Ken Bigley’s captors had not killed him yet.
*The 61-year-old comedian told a London audience during an on-stage live performance that he wished Mr Bigley’s captors, who have threatened to behead the British engineer as they have two Americans, would “get on with it”. *
Most people have just let this slide… maybe they are the type of people who like having a giggle at a man being beheaded?

I’ve always thought Billy Connolly is a very funny guy but I also think he’s been a wee bit of a shit at times in his life. So in a fit of I MUST TELL THE WORLD something, I posted the above. I cringe at reading the last paragraph though…. It’s so DAILY MAILish…. *groan*
But at least the reply(s) cheered me up.
Geoff Leopard says:

Geoff Leopard says:
That’s because Connolly is one of the very few people on this planet that realises that people die daily, and that life goes on.
If you’re going to get sanctimonioous about someone, make it someone you’re not inferior to, chum!

Geoff leopard says:
I’ve been drinking - what’s your excuse? Are you just naturally thick?

Geoff Leopard says:

Geoff Leopard says: